Free Admission

[this is kind of an old song i wrote about two years ago]

Free Admission

Verse 1:
I’m walking on this gravel road
I’ve got nothing in my shoes but stones and thorns
At my ankles

I’ve been walking for a long time
But I won’t stop ‘cause I got this map
That God created and He wanted me to have
It’s hard to read but it’s still guiding me

Prechorus:
And now I understand
No I can see clearer
So much better than
The times when I had to ask

Chorus:
Am I dirty/Am I unholy to Your eyes
Because that’s how I feel
I want to be different inside
Because You know my name
You promised me a place
With free admission called Your amazing grace

Verse 2:
But I don’t feel like I deserve it
‘Cause I’ve been living a life of hurting
Dirting, crying, thirsting
For something good

Prechorus:
I could not see Your light
But You were here the entire time
And now I have Your insight
The Holy Word
The greatest story told
The answers to my questions


Chorus:
Am I dirty/Am I unholy to Your eyes
Because that’s how I feel
I want to be different inside
Because You know my name
You promised me a place
With free admission called Your amazing grace


Bridge:
And I’m still walking on this gravel road
I’ve got nothing in my shoes but stones
Now I know that You are guiding me
So I will keep on walking
Knowing that You’re here with me

I wish I wouldn't care...

Nowadays I'm finding it very difficult to handle pressure. Last summer I had experience a lot of discomfort with some friends of mine that I do not usually hang out with a lot while on a little "vacation" weekend (at one point they pretended to be drunk to make me uncomfortable or mad...it kinda worked). There were lots of alcohol and drugs involved...I ended up hanging out on the balcony of our room a lot by myself talking on the phone (God Bless you Elissa Imai and Wesley Martins for keeping me company and being my distraction on the phone). This was the group of people who I grew up going to church with....and even now I see both friends and family who I have known since we were kids wasting their lives or doing things they shouldn't be doing, lying to their parents, stealing, getting into all sorts of "substances", etc.

Now that I'm older it's easier to see how many people are hypocrites or "rebels". They go to church, they get involved in church, they say they love God, then the next day they'll probably just get wasted. I'm having a hard time dealing with all of this because it includes a lot of my friends and family. Sometimes I wish I was never raised in a Christian home. That I would've never really gotten into church or doing things for church. I mean...why bother contributing or committing to something when you're just going to go against it in secret? Plus it would've been a lot easier to deal with all of this...stuff...going on with people I know. I probably would just not care and let it be.

I'm probably exaggerating...but I can't help but feel a heartache. I love my friends. I love my family. But I think it would be a lot less painful if I didn't.