Spent the day with God

Today started out just like last night ended...i'm not gonna go into too much detail of what happened...but just know that it left me very sad, very guilty, and gave me quite a teary car ride home (which hasn't happened in like a couple years). Today i kept pacing around my house thinking of what i should do...i looked through all my contacts to see if i had anyone whom i know did not have school or work (no one)...but in the end i just went back to bed for a while.

Sometime around 12 i decided that i should take a shower so i could think properly. So i looked in my closet to grab a shirt to change into and i saw my Jesus button shirt (a spiritual parody of the easy button), and so i realized that...it IS just that easy. The easiest answer is often overlooked in a time of pain or struggle.

So i prayed about all my problems out loud (which i haven't done in a while) and drove to Mt.Rubidoux (a huge beautiful mountain with a giant cross at the top.). On the way there i started feeling a little better.



I always like going to Mt.Rubidoux when i'm upset. I always find peace when i struggle up the mountain and find a good spot to sit down where i can see almost all of Riverside. That's what i did today. I meditated on all these things going on in my life. I spoke to God about all the characteristics i have that i hate. I complained about all these things to Him, but at the same time i also asked Him to please make some good come out of each one. I asked Him to also bless her no matter what happens, to make her happy and help her with any difficulties she may go through...no matter what happens.

By the time i hiked down to my car i felt calm...and happy. I knew not everything is fixed...but i was still at peace.

Poem "One Pair of Eyes"

One Pair Of Eyes

I can’t help but think
Everything was a lie
I was blinded by walls for protection
And now it’s all clear
Everything’s overwhelming
I wish I could’ve joined this “truth”
Maybe I wouldn’t suffer
Maybe I wouldn’t cry
Maybe I wouldn’t be so scared

If I could just learn not to care
And learn not to feel
I’d probably do better than now
If I could just see through one pair of eyes at a time
I wouldn’t feel so ashamed
Because wanting innocents leads to pain

Thinking back to how life was
Everything was so pure because
Reality was invisible
Well it’s hard to grow old
Knowing things that I was told were bad

Now it leads to a melody
A familiar voice asking
“Do I succumb?”
“Do I succumb?”
Because it seems like
Everyone who was once a child
Everyone who had a spirit anew
Are just spray painting on the walls they grew up in

Now I’m left alone
Believing firmly in these dirty halls
Trying to base my life on what I was taught
This is bad, this is good
This is a lie, this is a truth
But now there’s no shame
Therefore I’m confused
Ethics has given me isolation
Leaving me with one wish
And a possible decision

“I want to succumb.”
“I want to succumb.”

Does joy come from ignoring emotions?
Is heaven earned by enduring isolation?
Is there a middle ground where both can be okay?
I’m not hearing a voice that will answer me this
Temptations and wrong choices are stealing my friends
With a broken heart as a result of this
I sometimes yearn to dance with death
It’s hard to resist
It’s hard to give in
Amongst this trial I’m still left
With what probably will never end
A self argument

“I want to succumb”
“Do not succumb”




[i liked this cuz it sounds like something i would go through...]

Dear 2009

When I first met you...you were actually pretty cool. During the times we were together i had met a lot of friends and had many great opportunities presented. Much later in our friendship...there was a lot more excitement when i started hanging out with Sheena Decano a lot.

However, since the middle of summer [i have to admit] i have never experience so much difficulty, and had my faith tested so many times! You were great at first...but now...you'll just be another photo album to me.

Good bye...i'll miss you...er...maybe not...