i know im just talking to thin air but sometimes you gotta just write crap out

reading my past blog posts, i've realized how much this summer changed me. while thinking about how the changes occur, i can point out some of the moments they happened. i don't want to though. i'm too ashamed to do so. as of now i feel completely hopeless and alone. hopeless because i don't think i could ever climb out of this state. alone because i've no one to talk to. i'm not that close with any friends any more. i rarely see people. sometimes i go days without actually seeing or talking to friends. when i do go out, it's usually just to continue in this mess. i can't talk to the people i normally see cuz they're in on it.

i have abused myself in so many ways. i've emotionally numbed myself through pleasure with girls and substance. after a couple months, i tried to love again...and it just feels too different. too alien to me i guess. i didnt know how to treat it. as stupid as it sounds, i basically had to remind myself of the concept of romance.

i've even abused my devotion to my faith. i dont even feel like i deserve to walk into the doorways of my church.

i devoted myself to someone who motivated me to step out of the hole. whether she knew it or not. i wanted to clean myself up and set things right in my life. but as quick as i decided to do so, i fell back into it when i realized i was wrapped in wishful thinking. once again. hopeless.

as i said at the top, i read my previous blog posts. remembering every situation that inspired each post. i can now say that i don't recognize myself anymore. and i'm scared.

Joy

Could the absence of a very big piece of a puzzle make it much more enjoyable?










Yes.

Different path. Different mindset.

For quite a while now, I've had quite the change of heart. I mean that almost as close to the phrase as it can get. I've been struggling trying to overcome certain things about me that I thought were essential for my life. I failed again and again.

For a very long time now, I thought I would never change. But the change I've been pushing towards has been too sudden. I realized that I have been changing in the very same problem that's been haunting me, but only by a little. My progress has been hidden by my thoughts of failure. I thought I was in a very low position where I would never get up unless I drastically push myself, but I've been climbing ahead of problems like this little by little. I've noticed it myself; I'm doing things that are way out of my shell: I'm meeting new people, making new friends, branching out in music, going out to places. I'm not who I was a year ago and I am happy with the pace I'm going.

The actual problem, however, is not that it's a drastic and sudden change, it is merely the situation I am in. The situation I have been in since the beginning of school. The way I grew up, along with several specific memories, has affected how I view certain people and certain things. I have said this a many number of times in previous posts, but I will say it again: A majority of my vision from the past has been a distorted version of the original. In other words, everything has either been a lie or one big secret. The hard part is that I didn't find that out until just recently. It has made me confused, lost, and angry. Very angry.

Eventually I grew an understanding of the walls and secrets of these "problems". But the anger that sprouted from the realization of these "walls" still haunted me. Actually it still does to this day. I can't see past it sometimes. It affects how I view certain people now, and ultimately it affects how I view the world.

But lately I have found a form of enlightenment that has started to ease the anger little by little. Although it still exists and breaths through my verbal bitterness, I can feel it easing away every day. Instead of forcing myself to face these "walls" and the "secrets and lies" behind them, I have found an alternative route that allows me the same growth and healing, but in smaller doses. The problem with this alternate route is that I must get rid of certain baggage that, unfortunately, only fit through the walls and secrets. The baggage has started to become very inconvenient and heavy. The hard part is that it has grown to be very...sentimental.

For now I pray about which path to take. Through the walls or the alternate route. The alternate route keeps me happy and helps me think straight. Through the walls keeps me low and makes me feel like a failure most of the time. Both ways result in the same outcome, but I feel it more in smaller doses that have nothing to do with my past. A way that doesn't force me to face the footsteps behind me.

But through the walls has been more familiar. Unfortunately.

I know what I want...but what I want could destroy a section of the world I was once fully a part of. And to see that happen would be very difficult and painful.

I need a fricken job...

the only way i've been making money lately is by working the streets. I'm not complaining though, women in riverside really want it...or maybe it's just my damn sexy body.




yeah it's probably that.

Photos

this was a dream i had one night. i wasn't actually IN the dream. it was like i was dreaming in third person...yeah.

oh! and i put it in poem form...just because. i'll admit its not the greatest poem...and i tend to jump back and forth with rhythmic patterns...




There are framed memories of a man and woman
They're placed together on a small table
They smile and smile to those who view them
Those who envy the captured love immortal

Near the table sits the woman
Her face buried in her arms
Tear spots cover her sleeves and fingers
Pouring from a broken heart

One more look at the framed memories
The man packs his clothes
One more look before he leaves
He has decided to live alone

Once outside, he reaches in his pocket
Pulls out a picture he used to keep safe
The first of him with the woman
He rips it in hopes the memory would fade

Before he goes, he checks the time
His watch frozen on the hour o' seven
He then corrects it with a few winds
Moving the hour hand to eleven

WIth a slight tick,
It went in reverse
Then came a tock,
The seconds went backwards

The watch sped up
In its clockwise counter
First seconds, then minutes,
then reverse by the hour

The man's life memories flashed all around him
The pictures on the table back at home were alive
Each memory, each photo, every thought and emotion
Revealed to his heard a renewed mind

Every memory with the woman framed back at home
Revealed itself in reverse, reminding him of his love
The watch continued to rewind, then started to slow
Eventually it stopped the backwards flow

He checked his watch once again
The seventh hour displayed
Around, a familiar ambiance
The ripped photo did not fade

His first moment with his love
Captured in a photograph
He remembered how it all started
He remembered the love he used to have

The watch then moved forward with double the speed
The memories before him passed
It stopped at eleven, before he would leave
The first photo, intact, in his hand

He put it back in his pocket
Wiped away his tears
Realized that he still loved her
The woman in the photos throughout the years

He ran back inside
found his still crying lover
They both exchanged apologetic stares
And ran to hold each other

He kissed her with a renewed love
From the framed memories in the room
She held on, forgiving, embracing his hug
As he promised "I will always love you"







.......:D k thats it

reoccurring dream!

i've had this dream about 3 times. each time it is shown in more detail.

[1st time] i walk into a huge warehouse for this organization of musicians that i am a part of. the warehouse has a huge stage, lots of sound equipment (speakers, mics, cables, amps, sound boards, etc.) and instruments. there are also a few practice rooms, recording studios, a kitchen area, some tables, a ping pong table, some couches...yeah! people come in to jam, write, record, or just hang out. that time i was recording a duet...

[2nd time] into the warehouse i went. everyone was grouped up and planning what to perform for our big benefit concert! the fundraising will include the selling of all of our cds, ticket entree, and some donations. we use the money to pay for the warehouse bills and such. so the big stage in the warehouse was being used for rehearsal. there were many planned performances...and LOTS of cds.

[3rd time] entered the warehouse. looked at the bulletin board (keep in mind, with any new details for each dream, i somehow already knew about it...cuz it's a dream), on it was a calendar and a schedule for the week. my friend Charlie Sparks came out of a room with a clipboard (he was the leader of the warehouse: overlooked funds, made sure everyone was doing something, he figured out scheduling for recording, practice rooms, and concert dates, and was the head judge at auditions [oh! there were some auditions too!]). he took attendance and saw that someone was late. after a couple hours the late person finally came. charlie pulled out a massage chair (the kind you give chair massages on) and said that it was the late persons punishment for the whole day. he then printed out in big lettering "LATE? MASSAGE DUTY!". so every now and then people would line up next to the massage chair and receive a massage from this late person. yep!


i wonder what will happen next time!

Out of anger and heartbreak

i did something stupid, but enjoyed it.








being who i am, i would make a big deal out of it.