Different path. Different mindset.

For quite a while now, I've had quite the change of heart. I mean that almost as close to the phrase as it can get. I've been struggling trying to overcome certain things about me that I thought were essential for my life. I failed again and again.

For a very long time now, I thought I would never change. But the change I've been pushing towards has been too sudden. I realized that I have been changing in the very same problem that's been haunting me, but only by a little. My progress has been hidden by my thoughts of failure. I thought I was in a very low position where I would never get up unless I drastically push myself, but I've been climbing ahead of problems like this little by little. I've noticed it myself; I'm doing things that are way out of my shell: I'm meeting new people, making new friends, branching out in music, going out to places. I'm not who I was a year ago and I am happy with the pace I'm going.

The actual problem, however, is not that it's a drastic and sudden change, it is merely the situation I am in. The situation I have been in since the beginning of school. The way I grew up, along with several specific memories, has affected how I view certain people and certain things. I have said this a many number of times in previous posts, but I will say it again: A majority of my vision from the past has been a distorted version of the original. In other words, everything has either been a lie or one big secret. The hard part is that I didn't find that out until just recently. It has made me confused, lost, and angry. Very angry.

Eventually I grew an understanding of the walls and secrets of these "problems". But the anger that sprouted from the realization of these "walls" still haunted me. Actually it still does to this day. I can't see past it sometimes. It affects how I view certain people now, and ultimately it affects how I view the world.

But lately I have found a form of enlightenment that has started to ease the anger little by little. Although it still exists and breaths through my verbal bitterness, I can feel it easing away every day. Instead of forcing myself to face these "walls" and the "secrets and lies" behind them, I have found an alternative route that allows me the same growth and healing, but in smaller doses. The problem with this alternate route is that I must get rid of certain baggage that, unfortunately, only fit through the walls and secrets. The baggage has started to become very inconvenient and heavy. The hard part is that it has grown to be very...sentimental.

For now I pray about which path to take. Through the walls or the alternate route. The alternate route keeps me happy and helps me think straight. Through the walls keeps me low and makes me feel like a failure most of the time. Both ways result in the same outcome, but I feel it more in smaller doses that have nothing to do with my past. A way that doesn't force me to face the footsteps behind me.

But through the walls has been more familiar. Unfortunately.

I know what I want...but what I want could destroy a section of the world I was once fully a part of. And to see that happen would be very difficult and painful.