reading my past blog posts, i've realized how much this summer changed me. while thinking about how the changes occur, i can point out some of the moments they happened. i don't want to though. i'm too ashamed to do so. as of now i feel completely hopeless and alone. hopeless because i don't think i could ever climb out of this state. alone because i've no one to talk to. i'm not that close with any friends any more. i rarely see people. sometimes i go days without actually seeing or talking to friends. when i do go out, it's usually just to continue in this mess. i can't talk to the people i normally see cuz they're in on it.
i have abused myself in so many ways. i've emotionally numbed myself through pleasure with girls and substance. after a couple months, i tried to love again...and it just feels too different. too alien to me i guess. i didnt know how to treat it. as stupid as it sounds, i basically had to remind myself of the concept of romance.
i've even abused my devotion to my faith. i dont even feel like i deserve to walk into the doorways of my church.
i devoted myself to someone who motivated me to step out of the hole. whether she knew it or not. i wanted to clean myself up and set things right in my life. but as quick as i decided to do so, i fell back into it when i realized i was wrapped in wishful thinking. once again. hopeless.
as i said at the top, i read my previous blog posts. remembering every situation that inspired each post. i can now say that i don't recognize myself anymore. and i'm scared.
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